Here to Stay
by Calissa.Drey
Summary: Carol has saved the group from Terminus, but at what cost? As she struggles with her inner demons, a member from the group is kidnapped. Along with battling to protect the group, Carol must find her humanity. This is a story of love, loss, and growth. Starts at the beginning of Season Five.
**Disclaimer- I do not own The Walking Dead.**

 **Author's note- In this story, I am allowing Carol to 'feel' like she should have.**

"I'm glad you're back."

Carol looked up and saw Carl standing in front of her. He was wearing his brown deputy hat, worn from the years past. His hair was long and knotty, hanging just a few inches above his shoulders.

Carl certainly looked like the same kid, but Carol could tell he had aged tremendously in the time she had been gone. She could see it in his eyes. His blue orbs that use to shine with childish rebellion had turned dark. He had matured into a young man in such a short time.

"Thank you, Carl." She gave him a soft smile.

She expected him to leave after she expressed her gratitude, as many of the others had done. None of them stuck around to have a conversation, except for Eugene. But, Carol didn't really consider that a conversation. It mainly consisted of him staring at her to the point she excused herself and moved to the other side of the church.

They all seemed happy to have her back. They were grateful that she had saved their lives, yet it was painfully obvious none of them knew what to say. All of them seemed to be walking on egg shells, carefully trying not to broach the subject of her banishment. Carol wished they would acknowledge it. Say something, anything.

Then again, she couldn't blame them. What did she expect them to say? Sorry we didn't come after you? She really didn't want to hear their false apologies.

Despite how the others were, Carl stood there, his face conveying emotion that confused Carol. He was struggling with something. He shifted his plate of beans to his other hand and tucked a strand of his hair behind his ear, adjusting his hat slightly.

"I…I wanted to tell you that I was sorry for telling my dad about the knife training." He began.

Carol's eyes widened at this. She had all but forgotten about that. It was funny how what seemed so important at one time, yet completely trivial as more happened. Sure, she had been upset that he would betray her trust, but she knew that his intentions had been good. She could never harbor any true anger for Carl.

"Oh, Carl. That's okay. I was wrong to-"

"No, that's the thing." He cut her off. "You weren't wrong. We weren't helping those kids by sheltering them. You were right, and I see that now. I know my Dad didn't stop you, but if I could go back, I wouldn't have told him at all."

"It doesn't matter now." She reminded him. She could see that he was troubled with this, and had probably spent many nights thinking about it.

"But it does matter. Maybe if they had been trained from the beginning, they would be alive right now. Lizzie, Mika, all of them! Maybe it could have saved them…"

 _Nothing could have saved them._

Carol looked down and fumbled with the velcro pocket on her pants. She wanted to tell Carl that the training was a lost cause. You either made it in this world or you didn't, and Lizzie and Mika were certainly not meant for this world. But, she had promised Tyreese that she would tell no one about what had happened, and she knew that she owed Tyreese more than anyone.

"Maybe." Her lips were in a tight line. "But we can never be sure. Even adults with training die in this world."

"You're right." He nodded. "I still wanted to let you know that I am sorry for how I handled the situation."

Carl gave her a small smile before returning over to his father and sister. Rick looked over from where he was sitting as Carl approached and gave Carol a quick nod. She could tell that he still felt guilty for sending her away. It was written all over his face.

Was he wrong to feel guilty, though? She was nothing more than a liability. She could never save anyone. Sophia was dead because she was too afraid. Lori was dead because Carol wasn't there to help her. All that medical training she did to prepare, and she still failed her friend. T-dog, Andrea, Karen, David, Lizzie, Mika, all of those people at terminus…They were all dead because she either failed them, or she had killed them.

 _I'm going to kill people._

She had told Tyreese this as if it were an everyday statement. As if she was some cold blooded assassin. A machine with no heart, created to take out the enemy at all costs.

She was a murderer.

Carol stood up abruptly, sucking in a quick burst of air. Several pairs of eyes fell on her. She didn't notice them, however, too busy focusing on trying to find the exit. She made her away towards the huge wooden doors and shoved them open, stepping outside of the church.

She hurried down the steps, her breathing picking up rapidly. She felt her lip wobbling and she struggled to fight back tears. She felt them slowly begin to trail down her check and she grabbed the tree for support. She felt as though the world was spinning and she might fall over at any second.

 _Pull yourself together._ She shook her head, wiping her cheeks with her sleeves. _You know what you have to do. You have to leave, otherwise, who knows who else you'll have to kill._

Carol squeezed her eyes shut and opened them, attempting to focus on something that would clear her mind. It was still light outside, the sun was setting off in the distance. The sky was swirling with yellows, pinks and oranges. Birds were chirping happily, fluttering from tree to tree. Everything was serene, until the unmistakable sound of leaves crunching filled the air.

Carol gripped her knife, pulling it out of the holster. Her fingers wrapped around it tightly and she spun around quickly to face the threat. She pulled the knife upward and froze when she recognized the figure in front of her.

It wasn't a walker.

It was Daryl.

"Watch it, will ya?" He pushed her frozen hand out of the air. He looked at her moment and saw that her eyes were glazed over with a certain wetness that made him uncomfortable. "You okay? I saw you rush out."

Carol stared and gave him a weak nod. She didn't feel okay, but she knew that was the right thing to say. She didn't want anyone worrying over her mental health. _Because that's just what you need, everyone thinking that you're unstable and have no control over your actions._

 _"_ What are you doing out here, then?"

"I- I'm not really sure." She replied. "I just needed a moment by myself I suppose."

Daryl nodded. He knew what that was like. He found him constantly craving to be by himself. He felt more at peace when he was on his own. When he was around others, he felt awkward and he had to try too hard to fit in.

However, Carol was different than him. She usually liked the social aspects of life. He often saw her conversing with others. But, ever since she had returned, she seemed withdrawn. Daryl could tell something was bothering her.

"Did Carl say something to upset you? I saw him talking to you right before you left."

"It's complicated."

Daryl sighed and leaned against the tree. "Look, if you want to be left alone, just tell me, okay?"

Carol frowned. "Why did Rick let me back in the group?"

"What?" He furrowed his brow in confusion. "What do you mean?"

"Come on, Daryl. Let's not pretend that Rick just had some random epiphany and realized that he shouldn't have banished me because what I did wasn't wrong. He let me back in because I saved you all. I saved his daughter. Don't tell me that if I ran into you guys in a different and less perilous situation that he would have let me back in."

"You don't know that." Daryl seemed angry. "It's not just his decision. I would have made sure you got back in."

"Please, I know what Herhsel would have said. Maggie. Michonne. I wouldn't have gotten back in and you know it. I killed Karen and David and nothing will change that."

"Well, you are back in, so stop worrying about it."

"I'm back in because I killed people! I killed people, and I got banished. Then, I killed different people, and I got praised for it!"

Daryl's expression softened slightly. "You killed Karen and David because you were trying to save us. You killed the Termites because you were trying to save us. Carol, you're always thinking of your family. You don't kill in cold blood."

"I can't stay here." Her voice cracked.

Daryl felt as though she hadn't word he said. "Yes, you can."

"I can't look at Tyreese every day and live with what happened."

"He said he forgave you." He shook his head. "I told you that you-"

"I'm not talking about Karen." Carol hugged herself tightly.

Daryl let out a small sigh. He had no idea what had happened with Carol and Tyreese. They both seemed so shattered from their time together. Everyone was healing from the recent events, but the two of them, it was different. Daryl had assumed that their relationship had just been strained from Carol admitting to killing Tyreese's girlfriend. Yet, it was appearant that something else had happened.

Neither of them spoke about it. In fact, this was the most he had heard Carol speak about it at all. She looked so fragile in that moment. Her eyes still watery, holding herself as if she were about to break.

"Do you want to talk about it?" He asked tentatively.

"I- I can't." She whispered. "I promised Tyreese that I wouldn't tell anyone."

"Carol." He said her name and waited a moment for her to look at him. When her eyes met his, and he knew she was listening, he continued. "You can tell me."

"You can't tell anyone."

"As if I really talk to any of them anyways." He shrugged and placed a hand on her shoulder. "Nobody will know unless you or Tyreese tells them."

Her frame was trembling slightly, and she nodded slowly.

"I ran into Mika and Lizzie. Mika was trying to shoot walkers and Lizzie was…well it looked like she was trying to keep Judith quiet. Or at least that is what I told myself. Now, I think she was trying to suffocate her." Her eyes were locked onto Darryl's. "They took me to Tyreese, and long story short, on our way to Terminus we found a little house out by a grove. We stayed there for a while until…"

Daryl gave her shoulder a small squeeze. He knew things were about to get rough. He had no idea that Lizzie and Mika were with them at all. He thought it was only Carol, Tyreese and Judith.

"Lizzie thought the walkers were still people. She wasn't in her right mind and I tried to explain to her. But, she wouldn't listen and she tried to show me that I was wrong. She killed Mika. Stabbed her to death."

Daryl felt his eyes grow in surprise.

Carol was starting to break down, her voice wavering. "She pulled a gun on me and Tyreese. She was going to kill Judith next. Tyreese and I didn't know what else to do, so we did what we thought was best." She took a deep breath. "I killed Lizzie."

Tears began falling down her face. "I took her out to a field, and she didn't even realize what she had done wrong. She thought that I was mad that she pulled a gun on me. She didn't even think of her sister. And then I killed her!" She was hysterical at this point. "I want to stay here, but I just can't. She wasn't innocent but she _was_ a child!"

Daryl felt pain in his chest. He hated seeing Carol so upset. The last time he had seen her this visibly distraught was when they had lost Sophia. She was crying, sobs wracking her small body and Daryl did the only thing he could think of doing.

He pulled Carol into an embrace.

She fell into him, her tears wetting the front of his shirt. He held her tight and attempted to comfort her. He pressed a kiss to the top of her head and tried to ease her distress.

"Hey, it's okay." He whispered. "Everything will be okay."

"What if it's not?"

"I'll make it okay." He promised.

Carol continued to cry into his jacket, but for the first time in a while, she truly believed that maybe everything could be okay again. Telling him had somehow taken a weight off of her shoulders, and while she may not have felt whole in that moment, she knew that she could build herself back up again, as long as Daryl was there to help her.

"Thank you, Daryl." She sniffed and held onto him tighter.


End file.
